Lately I have been off back in that life just short of the drug’s. I have been drinking here and there nothing constantly though. It’s beginning to weigh on me that I truly don’t know myself besides the fact I do a lot of messed up things. I’ve recently hit 18, and I’ll tell you, you can’t get a good job with drug’s in your system. Very few care if you fuck multiple women every week though. I find the more I try to grow up the more I start to progress into the bad things faster and faster. As if to go head first in to the things of this world accepting it as it’s all I can get. Knowing that there are certain rules that you have to follow in life to make it to heaven. Now I won’t go all Jesus freak on you, but I do believe in an all-powerful God that loves us, and punishes us. In that I do feel there are certain things you must do and I feel more allowing the further I stray away. It’s sad really I don’t know how explain it, but I can say that I feel as if I’m off in the trenches. By in the trenches I mean like waging war on my soul, body, and the world. It’s tough where I’m at. You have to be strong to survive, and well if you’re not you don’t survive. You can just hit restart in life, you don’t get a do over, and every move you make needs to be the best you can make. A bad split second decision can stick with you for life. I’ve been making subpar decisions in my life, and I have to start makings up for them now.
Tag: addict
Sosa’s mind
You think you know Sosa but you don’t. Always looking like he’s on edge. Like he is always ready to attack. Like he just wants be mad. He’s really a depressive image, because of the things he’s been through. If he would have been treating others the way he wanted to he would have been loving and kind. The anger inside from all the hurt caused him to turn cold and at the age of 15 had 2 felonies and 2 misdemeanors. With numerous other times in a life filled crime. It was all about drug and what girl he could trick out her clothes next. He tried to change and give all to the Lord. As he would walk away from the altar he would pick it back up. Like Lord Jesus Christ I know you forgive me but I can forgive myself. I feel like I couldn’t accept your grace when you’ve given simple rules and in one ear and out the other. Knowing that I disobey makes me self hate because I feel like I’m spitting in your face. Then I try to make excuses like you knew no one can get it right. Just because Jesus came to fulfill the law doesn’t that mean well I can break it? He was the lamb that gives that option of getting into heaven. He forgives for everything and the Lord don’t lie but does that give us the right to do the opposite of all he said? This mind is in its self a hell that it isn’t transforming to a holier mind frame. I wouldnt trade shoes your feet would hurt, but tell you what here’s my glasses take a look.
106 days sober
106 days in to being sober and it still is a struggle. It’s never easy you know cause 1 slip and you can fall back to where you where in the first place. It’s not horrible for me all I was really doing is weed and alcohol. Occasionally pharmaceuticals, and LSD. Never did coke, herion, or meth. I was a “weekend warrior” going hard on the weekend and really chillin on the business week. I did get really bad on pharmaceuticals for about two months at one point. Checked in to rehab for 2 weeks to detox, and proceeded to do out patient being drugs tested. Did real good for a month after no more out patient. Had a week long binge and stopped again. Reason for that relapse I had a friend using and I was like one time for old times sake. Well that one time turned into more and more. Lucky I stopped not much more before I would have ended up dead. I lost 30-40 pounds in that 2 month all day and night space. Not super bad but I was loosing noticible weight. It was the most amazing feeling ever that I could produce on demand. This time in my recovery I have been using a network of people and have a sponsor which being in rehab I refused. I attend Celebrate Recovery aka CR and have found a family that accepts me and is a God based program. I’ll do a post on that soon. CR is not just for drug addicts but depression, anxiety, anger, lust, anything really. Drug addicts are the minority. I believe that Jesus Christ will guide me through it all. Honestly so far in my recovery he has. Old me would have said fuck y’all I’m out. With that I’m out SOSA will be back baby.
Stay blessed in all you do.
xoSOSAxo 