Off In The Trenches

Lately I have been off back in that life just short of the drug’s. I have been drinking here and there nothing constantly though. It’s beginning to weigh on me that I truly don’t know myself besides the fact I do a lot of messed up things. I’ve recently hit 18, and I’ll tell you, you can’t get a good job with drug’s in your system. Very few care if you fuck multiple women every week though. I find the more I try to grow up the more I start to progress into the bad things faster and faster. As if to go head first in to the things of this world accepting it as it’s all I can get. Knowing that there are certain rules that you have to follow in life to make it to heaven. Now I won’t go all Jesus freak on you, but I do believe in an all-powerful God that loves us, and punishes us. In that I do feel there are certain things you must do and I feel more allowing the further I stray away. It’s sad really I don’t know how explain it, but I can say that I feel as if I’m off in the trenches. By in the trenches I mean like waging war on my soul, body, and the world. It’s tough where I’m at. You have to be strong to survive, and well if you’re not you don’t survive. You can just hit restart in life, you don’t get a do over, and every move you make needs to be the best you can make. A bad split second decision can stick with you for life. I’ve been making subpar decisions in my life, and I have to start makings up for them now.

Truth Be Told

Those who are close to me are typically the ones that hurt me the most. I tend to push those who are close away from me to keep from getting hurt. I didn’t expect the people who didn’t know me to not hurt me. I felt as if they don’t matter to me as much. You on the other hand matter a lot, but then you hurt me. I didn’t learn how to forget or forgive. The difference now is very little depending on how you see it. I’m more likely to just simply remove you from my life now if I feel that you crossed the line. I aint got the time to proceed with the back and forth anymore…

Sosa’s mind

You think you know Sosa but you don’t. Always looking like he’s on edge. Like he is always ready to attack. Like he just wants be mad. He’s really a depressive image, because of the things he’s been through. If he would have been treating others the way he wanted to he would have been loving and kind. The anger inside from all the hurt caused him to turn cold and at the age of 15 had 2 felonies and 2 misdemeanors. With numerous other times in a life filled crime. It was all about drug and what girl he could trick out her clothes next. He tried to change and give all to the Lord. As he would walk away from the altar he would pick it back up. Like Lord Jesus Christ I know you forgive me but I can forgive myself. I feel like I couldn’t accept your grace when you’ve given simple rules and in one ear and out the other. Knowing that I disobey makes me self hate because I feel like I’m spitting in your face. Then I try to make excuses like you knew no one can get it right. Just because Jesus came to fulfill the law doesn’t that mean well I can break it? He was the lamb that gives that option of getting into heaven. He forgives for everything and the Lord don’t lie but does that give us the right to do the opposite of all he said? This mind is in its self a hell that it isn’t transforming to a holier mind frame. I wouldnt trade shoes your feet would hurt, but tell you what here’s my glasses take a look.

Let me go

Let me go,
Or should I say let us go,
I don’t know,
The times we had together I’ll miss
But I just can’t keep doing this,
Maybe one day I’ll be okay,
And able to say,
Let’s work it out,
But right now,
It seem so impossible,
Better yet illogical,
And this time I’m thinking with my head,
Knowing If I follow my heart I’ll end up dead,
You just think it’s fine,
But I’m dying on the inside,
And I refuse to even try,
Because of those lies,
That you tell,
I ain’t got no time to dwell,
On what you said,
But sometimes I just want you to take a hundred sleeping pills and take yo ass to bed,
To never wake up
Maybe that will be the day I’m finally able to escape,
Till that day I’ll sit right here and plan my dream get away,
But what can I do,
When my heart craves you,
Yes it’s true,
You put your hands on me,
And we try not to let the kids see,
Begging please don’t hurt me,
While on my knees trying to plea,
Just for once honey forgive me,
-xoSOSAxo

Stay blessed in all you do.