Off In The Trenches

Lately I have been off back in that life just short of the drug’s. I have been drinking here and there nothing constantly though. It’s beginning to weigh on me that I truly don’t know myself besides the fact I do a lot of messed up things. I’ve recently hit 18, and I’ll tell you, you can’t get a good job with drug’s in your system. Very few care if you fuck multiple women every week though. I find the more I try to grow up the more I start to progress into the bad things faster and faster. As if to go head first in to the things of this world accepting it as it’s all I can get. Knowing that there are certain rules that you have to follow in life to make it to heaven. Now I won’t go all Jesus freak on you, but I do believe in an all-powerful God that loves us, and punishes us. In that I do feel there are certain things you must do and I feel more allowing the further I stray away. It’s sad really I don’t know how explain it, but I can say that I feel as if I’m off in the trenches. By in the trenches I mean like waging war on my soul, body, and the world. It’s tough where I’m at. You have to be strong to survive, and well if you’re not you don’t survive. You can just hit restart in life, you don’t get a do over, and every move you make needs to be the best you can make. A bad split second decision can stick with you for life. I’ve been making subpar decisions in my life, and I have to start makings up for them now.

Sosa’s mind

You think you know Sosa but you don’t. Always looking like he’s on edge. Like he is always ready to attack. Like he just wants be mad. He’s really a depressive image, because of the things he’s been through. If he would have been treating others the way he wanted to he would have been loving and kind. The anger inside from all the hurt caused him to turn cold and at the age of 15 had 2 felonies and 2 misdemeanors. With numerous other times in a life filled crime. It was all about drug and what girl he could trick out her clothes next. He tried to change and give all to the Lord. As he would walk away from the altar he would pick it back up. Like Lord Jesus Christ I know you forgive me but I can forgive myself. I feel like I couldn’t accept your grace when you’ve given simple rules and in one ear and out the other. Knowing that I disobey makes me self hate because I feel like I’m spitting in your face. Then I try to make excuses like you knew no one can get it right. Just because Jesus came to fulfill the law doesn’t that mean well I can break it? He was the lamb that gives that option of getting into heaven. He forgives for everything and the Lord don’t lie but does that give us the right to do the opposite of all he said? This mind is in its self a hell that it isn’t transforming to a holier mind frame. I wouldnt trade shoes your feet would hurt, but tell you what here’s my glasses take a look.

Letting it out

Real life is to depressin,Struggles I’m facin got me stressin,

Felt like she was a blessin,

Now it seems she was nothing more than a lesson,

 Really wanted it to work out,

But it feels like too many kinks to work out,

They told me ride the wave,

But it turned to a tsunami,

Had feel so confused and distracted,

Makes me wanna grab the glock,

Letting off a 100 shots,

Talking all that shit but they don’t wanna pop off,

Knowing if I get that mood a nigga would get hauled off,

I’m jumping off the deep end,

Might just disappear for eternity,

Niggas make me feel like I ain’t earn my keep,

Lotta favors on both ends,

Make me feel like it’s coming to a closing,

The end,

Family Fallin out over money and women,

I thought it was supposed to be blood over bitches,

But that’s not how it’s turnin out,

I guess she got u turned out,

I’ll make it with the help of God,

He will hold me down when everyone else is acting fraud,

Cause everyone does at one time or another,

 Even though some more than others,

Fake friends round my way keep em all at arms length,

But I have to give my all then borrow some of Gods strength,

Because I feel exhausted,

It’s exhausting,

Walk a couple miles in my shoes,

Even if they fit bet u can’t take more than a few steps,

My life has been a movie,

One of those gangster types,

Lots of pain an anguish,

Trying to be holy but knowin I’m tainted,

Feeling like I’m to far gone to truly make a comeback,

Got me ready to attack if you step on my toes,

U wouldn’t get my life,

It’s been a different type,

Bits and pieces may sink in,

But as a collective whole,

U couldn’t even gather up half the toll,

That had to be paid,

Take slight comfort In the fact Jesus can understand because on the cross he took on my sin,

I don’t even know where to begin with that,

It’s amazing and only justifiable by the fact that he loves me,

But I still feel like I’m alone,

That’s me under attack by the devil,

He’s mad that I switched sides that the truth,

And when I preach to you its to me too,

Trying to find a method to cope,

That isn’t hoes, or dope,

Trying to be holy isn’t as easy as being a gangster,

But I’d like to thank you for all the bad looks,

When I came through making folks shook,

Or shake their heads in disapproval,

You can’t have a wrong without a right,

Or a right without a wrong,

Trying to hold on,

Being strong isn’t something to do for fun,

It’s something for survival,

Survival of the fittest in all aspects,

To gain respect of men through foolish things was a goal,

But that whole acting dumb got old,

I’m broken

I feel like any girl girl I’m with will wake up one day and leave. Like these girls think I’m something special, because I’m sweet, caring, loving, and a good listener. Like there are tons of other guys out there like that most of em look better and make way more money than I do. It’s hard trying to keep things working and normal. It’s just never gonna work for me till I work away my insecurities which will be never. #ForeverAlone