Tag: God

Off In The Trenches

Lately I have been off back in that life just short of the drug’s. I have been drinking here and there nothing constantly though. It’s beginning to weigh on me that I truly don’t know myself besides the fact I do a lot of messed up things. I’ve recently hit 18, and I’ll tell you, you can’t get a good job with drug’s in your system. Very few care if you fuck multiple women every week though. I find the more I try to grow up the more I start to progress into the bad things faster and faster. As if to go head first in to the things of this world accepting it as it’s all I can get. Knowing that there are certain rules that you have to follow in life to make it to heaven. Now I won’t go all Jesus freak on you, but I do believe in an all-powerful God that loves us, and punishes us. In that I do feel there are certain things you must do and I feel more allowing the further I stray away. It’s sad really I don’t know how explain it, but I can say that I feel as if I’m off in the trenches. By in the trenches I mean like waging war on my soul, body, and the world. It’s tough where I’m at. You have to be strong to survive, and well if you’re not you don’t survive. You can just hit restart in life, you don’t get a do over, and every move you make needs to be the best you can make. A bad split second decision can stick with you for life. I’ve been making subpar decisions in my life, and I have to start makings up for them now.

Truth Be Told

Those who are close to me are typically the ones that hurt me the most. I tend to push those who are close away from me to keep from getting hurt. I didn’t expect the people who didn’t know me to not hurt me. I felt as if they don’t matter to me as much. You on the other hand matter a lot, but then you hurt me. I didn’t learn how to forget or forgive. The difference now is very little depending on how you see it. I’m more likely to just simply remove you from my life now if I feel that you crossed the line. I aint got the time to proceed with the back and forth anymore…

Conflicting Interest

Sosa here got a problem id never thought I’d consider a problem. I’m kinda involved with two females both are amazing. One isn’t as pretty, but she is wanting to be more emotional. the other is really hot, but more emotionally distant. It’s a really difficult to keep up with it, and I’m gonna have to close the curtain on one. Things will play out the way they are supposed to though I can’t change my destiny.

Pain or Paradise 

They say I change up,Admittedly I did,

Don’t get twisted,

I’m still The Kid,

But I had to get my mind, heart, and soul right,

Decided that I was gonna turn to Jesus Christ,

I believe through him I’ll have ever lasting life,

Atheists try to bash it and tell me I’m not right,

I say cool but tell me what have I lost if I’m wrong and you’re right,

Nothing because I lived good and honest till it was good night,

But on the flip side if you’re wrong and I’m right,

Well I shall have ever lasting life, because my decision to follow Christ,

Hell is as real heaven,

So tell me you’re sure enough to bet there will be no afterlife,

Except with this u don’t pay with material things and money,

You pay with the ultimate price,

Just admitting and believing is the difference between torturous pain and paradise

-xoSOSAxo 

Help me

See for the past 5 years I’ve been into any and everything that was of this world. Only a few bad people, place, or thing I didn’t like. Sex, greed, lust, drugs, alcohol, fighting, arguing, and many more. I’m addicted to the struggle, and the pain. For me it’s a vicious cycle that is on repeat. I need someone to hold my hand in it all, and walk me through the right things. I’m not use to having to do things the right way. Understandably my higher power Jesus Christ will but I feel the need of someone who does the same thing. Like read the bible with someone everyday. Stuff like that someone who even if we only read a couple verses of scripture a day. It’s gonna be really difficult on this road having to lose it all to gain it all but I can’t keep running from God. 

Struggles of lust

The devil is constantly tempting me in all that I do. It seems the more I try to drawl closer to God the further I am away from it. Understandably I don’t expect to be sin free, or to be able to resist every urge. Its just the struggle is real. Lust would have to be my biggest struggle. I love an attractive woman more than almost anything. Me I’m a 5/10 looks but the things I say and the way I say it is something fierce. What makes it worse is I’ve got a very very very attractive female I could have sex with when I want to. It’s a very difficult thing to deal with. Some people have no conviction about sex before marriage. I use to not I just seen it as sex but after being saved and baptized a few months ago it feels different now. Its something I’ll have to pray about.

106 days sober

106 days in to being sober and it still is a struggle. It’s never easy you know cause 1 slip and you can fall back to where you where in the first place. It’s not horrible for me all I was really doing is weed and alcohol. Occasionally pharmaceuticals, and LSD. Never did coke, herion, or meth. I was a “weekend warrior” going hard on the weekend and really chillin on the business week. I did get really bad on pharmaceuticals for about two months at one point. Checked in to rehab for 2 weeks to detox, and proceeded to do out patient being drugs tested. Did real good for a month after no more out patient. Had a week long binge and stopped again. Reason for that relapse I had a friend using and I was like one time for old times sake. Well that one time turned into more and more. Lucky I stopped not much more before I would have ended up dead. I lost 30-40 pounds in that 2 month all day and night space. Not super bad but I was loosing noticible weight.  It was the most amazing feeling ever that I could produce on demand. This time in my recovery I have been using a network of people and have a sponsor which being in rehab I refused. I attend Celebrate Recovery aka CR and have found a family that accepts me and is a God based program. I’ll do a post on that soon. CR is not just for drug addicts but depression, anxiety, anger, lust, anything really. Drug addicts are the minority. I believe that Jesus Christ will guide me through it all. Honestly so far in my recovery he has. Old me would have said fuck y’all I’m out. With that I’m out SOSA will be back baby.

Stay blessed in all you do.