Lately I have been off back in that life just short of the drug’s. I have been drinking here and there nothing constantly though. It’s beginning to weigh on me that I truly don’t know myself besides the fact I do a lot of messed up things. I’ve recently hit 18, and I’ll tell you, you can’t get a good job with drug’s in your system. Very few care if you fuck multiple women every week though. I find the more I try to grow up the more I start to progress into the bad things faster and faster. As if to go head first in to the things of this world accepting it as it’s all I can get. Knowing that there are certain rules that you have to follow in life to make it to heaven. Now I won’t go all Jesus freak on you, but I do believe in an all-powerful God that loves us, and punishes us. In that I do feel there are certain things you must do and I feel more allowing the further I stray away. It’s sad really I don’t know how explain it, but I can say that I feel as if I’m off in the trenches. By in the trenches I mean like waging war on my soul, body, and the world. It’s tough where I’m at. You have to be strong to survive, and well if you’re not you don’t survive. You can just hit restart in life, you don’t get a do over, and every move you make needs to be the best you can make. A bad split second decision can stick with you for life. I’ve been making subpar decisions in my life, and I have to start makings up for them now.
Tag: scared
Talented to Talentless
They say my poetry is talented,But me I think it’s talentless,
Because it can be a hit or miss,
Scared of being good for the season,
Then tossed aside with no rhyme or reason,
Feeling like some fans committed treason,
It does help me find a bit of relief though,
When I zone out and start to write and it just flows,
Putting my heart inside every line,
Just trying to pass the time,
Trying to lay out the realest stuff for y’all to see,
When in all actuality you’re just seeing my reality,
-xoSOSAxo
Help me
See for the past 5 years I’ve been into any and everything that was of this world. Only a few bad people, place, or thing I didn’t like. Sex, greed, lust, drugs, alcohol, fighting, arguing, and many more. I’m addicted to the struggle, and the pain. For me it’s a vicious cycle that is on repeat. I need someone to hold my hand in it all, and walk me through the right things. I’m not use to having to do things the right way. Understandably my higher power Jesus Christ will but I feel the need of someone who does the same thing. Like read the bible with someone everyday. Stuff like that someone who even if we only read a couple verses of scripture a day. It’s gonna be really difficult on this road having to lose it all to gain it all but I can’t keep running from God.
I’m scared
I’m tired of this situation it’s driving me nuts. Like I want to get to the roots of my problems to hopefully solve them. That takes time and I’m becoming more built up inside. At little things ready to say fuck it and ride on em. I’m one of the last playing by rules that very few still play by. Trying to keep it together what little I have left and I know I have to leave it all behind before I can progress. I’m horribly terrified because I feel like I will be forgotten and I’ll really be nothing and have no meaning. Others have came into my position because it was the last straw to save what they had. I came and it was no where near my last straw. I’m so scared of doing thing the right way. I haven’t done things the right way. Grant it others have had way more time in what ever cycle they were in but that doesn’t mean my struggles aren’t still horribly hard for me to change. I want relief but I’m scared to get it I don’t know how it will feel to be on the good side. Its horribly hard man fuck. Im just getting tired of the struggles I deal with now.
xoSOSAxo 